I remember that call I got from my mom when my dad went missing. Her voice was frantic and scared. I remember the call I got from a friend when her son passed away. I remember the call when I heard my best friend on the other end of the line crying when she lost her memaw. I remember the call I got when one of my best friends miscarried her child. I remember the call I got when my other friend was told she would never be able to carry children of her own. I remember the call when my father in law had been found dead.
All calls were devastatingly differently but alike in the sense everyone suffered a profound loss. Like a movie you replay it over and over in your head some days. Some days are better than others. When God created us, sometimes I wish he could have left that little detail out. Where we didn’t have to remember the unbearable, unthinkable, heart crushing losses. But He didn’t and we do. What I can say is during all those moments, friends rallied around me. I rallied for my friends. I would get the encouraging texts on days when I really needed it and sometimes I still do. Randomly people will reach out and the moment I really need it. I try to be extra conscious of others when they experience such loss because I simply know how it feels and that feeling truly never really goes away.
Women do a better job of checking in on friends. Maybe it’s because we are more emotionally in touch or sensitive to needs. Maybe its the way God made us nurturers by nature. But did you know for men, it’s not this way? Studies show that when men experience loss, their circle of friends may rally to join them surrounding the tragic event but after the initial response they are 50 times more likely not to mention it again or check in? It’s not necessarily intentional. It’s because they are hardwired to deal with a tragedy and once they feel like that issue has been handled, they move forward. So, just keep in mind when your husband is struggling over the loss of his father, or mother, a best friend or his child, they need YOU. They need you because their friends may not be checking in anymore. Your husbands loss is not on their radar but it needs to remain on yours.
Studies also show that men do not process loss like women do. Women start processing loss the moment it happens, feeling every emotion, crying and maybe seek counseling. Men tend to process after the dust settles. Sometimes even years after. They will stuff the emotions until they are ready to deal them. Sometimes dealing with those emotions may come out of nowhere and creep up when they least expect it. So how do we as wives handle that or even bring it up? I like to do a “mental check in.” I will either ask or shoot my husband a message and ask, “hey babe, how’s your head space today?” You might have to get specific and ask, “how’s your head space lately since losing your dad/best friend/son or daughter?” Then, be ready to just listen. You might have to be his army, of one. You might have to be his encourager, of one. You might have to be his support team, of one. Draw your wisdom from the One so you can be his support. Learn to notice when his world gets quiet when others stop showing up.
Prayer prompts:
Pray the Lord would continue to heal his heart from devastating loss.
Pray the Lord would make you sensitive to his emotional and mental state when he’s struggling with loss.
Pray the Lord would help you encourage him and fill you with the right words.
Pray your husband would maintain his hope in the Lord.
Lord, I know my husband has been through the unthinkable and lost people he loves so very much. I know that time doesn’t heal all wounds. I know the loss has changed him and people grieve differently. I pray that my husband knows I’m still here for him. I pray you would give me the courage to ask the hard questions like if he’s doing ok, how his head space is from the loss and how its effecting him today. I pray that you keep my heart sensitive and aware of when he needs me the most and keep me sensitive to his needs surrounding his loss. I pray you give me new ideas to celebrate the persons life he lost. Lord, your word says you are our lamp and you turn darkness into light (2 Samuel 22:29-30). I pray that you continue to light up my husbands heart when his mind goes dark with pain from the loss. I pray You would develop his emotional strength and the strength to cry when he’s overcome with grief. Lord, I pray he hides 2 Corinthians 5:8 in his heart, and remembers the promise of heaven. When his mind is a fog, I pray he remembers you are present in the fog and guiding him every step of the way. Lord, I thank you for being our comforter in our time of trouble. I pray we both learn how to comfort others and use our loss to help others. In Jesus name, Amen.”
“You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.With your help I can advance against a troop[a]; with my God I can scale a wall.” 2 Samuel 22:29-30
“We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5:8
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior.” 2 Samuel 22:2-3
Challenge:
Do a mental check in today and ask him, “how is your head space doing since losing (enter name here) ? and listen for the Holy Spirit to guide your next words.